Chasing the climax moment for your partner? To this end, people of all genders are making an extra effort to demystify the elusive female orgasm. How to orgasm, how to give an orgasm, how to increase sexual pleasure, how to satisfy my partner… these are some common questions that are found in the sexual health and wellness domain.The orgasm gap is for real! And well, if you have been waiting for your turn to experience what an orgasm feels like, perhaps these tips can help!
Firstly, communicate with your partner
While some women orgasm easier than others, most women at one time or another have found it difficult to climax. Some can only climax alone and some have never had the pleasure.
What I would recommend is that you work with your partner to create a space where both of you feel happy and connected and where arousal can ebb and flow. If their arousal is working up to an orgasm, you can help nurture these feelings.
If you are with a woman who orgasms infrequently or not at all, I would ask them how they feel about it. Maybe she is frustrated, maybe she is fine with it and maybe she does actually orgasm, if she does blame your technique for her lack of orgasm, ask her to tell you, or even better, show you, how she likes to be stimulated. You could have a mutual masturbation session where you touch yourselves in front of each other. While this is can feel very intimate and exposing, it can also reduce pressure and performance anxiety for both of you.
How to make her orgasm:
Bearing in mind what works for one person may be uncomfortable for another, here’s some ideas for helping your female partner achieve an orgasm which you might like to try together:
- Stimulate her orally
It seems the one thing, in far too many heterosexual couplings, that when the man has come then sex is over, regardless of whether the female partner is done or not. Ignoring whether your partner has also finished is selfish. If she would like it, you could do some hand or mouth stimulation. If you are too spent, you hold her while she masturbates. - Don’t forget foreplay
Yes, quickies can happen. If you are both aroused, and your genitals are primed for action then that’s great. But if not, foreplay helps all genitals – including penises that, contrary to popular belief aren’t always ready to go as soon as sex is hinted at – to be ready for sex. Without enough of it, sex can be painful, intrusive or simply just boring. Foreplay can include anything from saucy texts to hand jobs, to oral, to spanking and anything else that feels playful, sensual or sexual. - Experiment with sex toys
Some people find sex toys, particularly vibrators, can help them achieve the big O. Others don’t like them; it could be they don’t like how they feel, or they don’t like them on principal. There are many, many different sizes, shapes, colors, materials and types of stimulation available, so if you are thinking of getting one, I strongly recommend consulting with your partner. - Go down on her
Many women say that receiving cunnilingus is the most surefire way to get them coming. If you do both want to do this, but you’re not sure what to do, experiment until she starts making appreciative noises or writhing around. Some women prefer a tongue lapping consistently at the clitoris while others like the whole vulva to be slathered over, like you would an ice cream on a really hot day. - Alternate tongue and finger stimulation
I’ve found that there are three main reasons why some women find receiving oral sex a bit uncomfortable:
• The first is that it can feel disconnecting: you’re down there being busy, while they’re up there not feeling in the moment and worrying about you, work, or that stain on the ceiling.
• The second is the fear that it is taking too long; indeed, vaginas do generally take longer to get excited than penises.
• And thirdly, many women fear that their vulvas and vaginas don’t look good or smell.
So, what should you do? If you are going down on her, being more animated can help. This can include appreciative noises or comments, eye contact, cupping her bum and stroking her body. If you’re tired, try alternating tongue and finger stimulation. - Establish an intimate bond
During your intimate time, you might feel awkward, nervous, detached, or any other feelings that could interrupt a pleasurable union. If this happens, I suggest that, rather than powering through, you stop for a moment. Tell them how you feel and give them a compliment, a hug, or something that can help the two of you can find some common ground and establish a bond. It means she may also feel she can do the same when she feels interrupted. Being on the same page during sex is sexy. - Take snogging breaks
If someone feels close to coming but then their clitoris becomes painful or numb, then you could suggest that the two of you take a break. Maybe have a chat, or a glass of wine, or a bit of a snog. If you both want to continue, you may be surprised to find that the clitoris is still pretty enlarged and doesn’t need much stimulation to get going again. - Just keep going!
If she says to keep going in increasingly excited tones, then keep going. As you were. Don’t go faster. Don’t go slower. Don’t throw in some amazing trick. Unless you are in pain or discomfort JUST… KEEP… GOING! - Talk it through
Issues with sex can be a symptom that other things are wrong with your relationship. In this case, it could be that one or both of you is having doubts about your relationship or is harboring resentment about something. Or they may see you as a good friend but just can’t get themselves to fancy you. Sometimes discussing these issues can be painful but getting through them could lead both to find happier places, either together or apart. Couples therapy can help negotiate this.
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